My life has been ruined by a stupid Charcuterie board of all things!!

My life has been ruined by a stupid Charcuterie board of all things!!

My wife and I recently bought our first home. It’s an old house, a fixer-upper that needed some elbow grease put into it, but it was within our budget and we weren’t afraid of a little hard work.

First, we fixed up the kitchen and bedrooms, then living room and dining room. One-by-one we checked items off our list as we made our first home into a dream home.

Eventually, all that was left was cleaning out the Attic and the basement. Whoever had owned the house before had left a ton of stuff behind. The attic was full of musty boxes of clothes and old furniture. The basement, was unfinished but had a strange number of half-melted candles and a box of old moth-eaten satin robes, which was pretty weird but my wife and I had a good time playing dress up and repurposing some of the old furniture.

One day, while we were cleaning out the basement, Chrissy, my wife, found a really cool wooden board. It was about 18 by 20 inches and decorated with all sorts of intricate designs and carvings of angels around the edges. The center of the board listed all of the numbers of the alphabet (in order) along with the numbers 0 through 10. In the top corners it said the words YES and NO.

I thought it was probably some 1800’s era teaching tool, but Chrissy corrected me.

“Oh my god!” Chrissy, exclaimed as she brushed a century worth of dust from its surface, “What a cute charcuterie board!”

I walked over to her and picked it from her hands as she held it out, “Whoa babe, this is pretty cool!”

“Babe, look at this!” she held up another piece of wood. It was vaguely in the shape of a triangle, finely decorated with a hole in its center about an inch in diameter, “Its for scooping out dips! This is just too cute!”

A few weeks went by and Chrissy and I started to think maybe we weren’t as handy as we liked to think.

The doors we mounted would open by themselves, pictures we hung on the walls would fall to the ground. Once we entered the kitchen to find every cabinet and drawer open.

It was disheartening to think maybe we had bitten off more than we could chew with this project.

One night while watching a movie and enjoying charcuterie together I used the ‘scooper’ to put a fat hunk of goat’s cheese on my plate and sat back on the couch, when I noticed the scooper started sliding along the board untouched. It stopped after a few inches, but man how annoying it is to think the house we just poured our savings into might not even be level. I didn’t bring it up to Chrissy because I didn’t want to upset her.

Funny story about that night, halfway through the movie Chrissy cut a piece off of the block of gouda we had on the charcuterie board. She ate the cheese and tossed the knife back onto the board. Instead of clattering on the board then coming to rest, the knife started to spin. I think it might have been greased with the olive oil on the board, but it spun for nearly a solid minute before coming to a screeching halt, the blade pointed directly at where the board said NO. We both laughed about that for a while, I mean what the chances of doing that again? It was so weird.

Our cat started acting strangely. It would stare off into random corners with his hackles raised. He became more aggressive towards Chrissy and I and he would absolutely lose his shit when we brought out that cool charcuterie board we found. In fact, he hated that charcuterie board so much that we ended up throwing it in our garbage can.

That night our air conditioner broke. I don’t mean it stopped working – I mean we couldn’t shut it off. The temperature in our house dropped by like 50 degrees. We could see our breath in our bedroom. I told Chrissy I would call the HVAC man in the morning and we went to sleep under a mountain of blankets.

When I woke up the next morning Chrissy was gone. I assumed she went out early to run some errands, but her car was still in the driveway. Maybe she was out for a run.

I heard the cat make some really aggressive noises and went to go see what was going on with him. He was on the kitchen counter hissing at a plank of wood that sat on the kitchen counter. It had some sort of symbol carved deep into the wood. I picked it up and turned it over and was shocked to see it was the charcuterie board we had thrown out. I figured Chrissy had changed her mind and fished it out of the trash before going on her run.

I went into the bathroom to wash my face and get ready for the day. As I lowered my face to the sink to splash some water on my face the bathroom door slammed shut. Thinking Chrissy had just come home I tried to go out and ask her where she’d been, but I couldn’t get out of the bathroom. The door was locked shut somehow. I couldn’t get out. Just another thing to add to my to-do list. I had to climb out of the window and walk around to the front door to get back in the house.

Chrissy wasn’t home.

A few hours passed and I still hadn’t seen Chrissy. I began to get worried. I tried her cell phone several times with no answer.

As I paced the house trying to put together the pieces about where my wife could be the basement door creaked open. I went to shut it and heard noises coming from the dark, unfinished basement.

Footsteps, then whispers, then oddly, the muffled sounds of a baby crying.

I called the police and told them my house had been broken into. They performed a full search of the house including the basement and the attic. They didn’t find anyone. I filed a missing person’s report for Chrissy before they left.

It’s been 3 days. I still hear the footsteps and voices. Doors are constantly opening and closing. I’ve thrown that fucking charcuterie board away 3 times and it still keeps coming back and I’ve checked the A/C unit hundred times, I even called a professional in, but it still gets so cold in this house every night.

I know I’m a good carpenter. Those doors aren’t on crooked. The floors of this house are level. I’m beginning to understand what is really going on here. My house is haunted, and I don’t know what to do about it.

I can hear Chrissy. Her voice is coming up from basement, she's asking me for help. I want to go down there, but I’m too fucking scared. My hands are shaking as I type this. I can’t trust this house. I know that as soon as I walk down there the door will close behind me.

What do you guys think I should do?